Trucking into spring gobbler season

As I get older I’ve found I’ve become less tolerant of a lot of
things. For example, last week I took my year-old truck back to the
dealer to see if they could install intermittent windshield wipers
as a retrofit. For more money than I paid for my house, I felt the
new truck would at least have a necessary feature like that. Silly
me. It seems if I wanted intermittent windshield wipers I had to
buy the two thousand dollar “Convenience” package which included
the windshield wipers. The only problem was, this package included
things I didn’t want such as a television camera to help me back up
and seats with heaters to warm my posterior. Now, some people might
like toasting their derriere and staring into a two-inch screen
while backing up in a crowded parking lot, but I prefer to turn my
head and look through the four-foot window conveniently placed
behind the back seat, ostensibly for that purpose. Call me silly,
but I feel more comfortable that way. As a result, I thought I’d
save two grand and not opt for the package.

The woman who greeted me in the dealer’s shop said all of the
pickup trucks they sell came with intermittent wipers as standard
equipment.

“No they don’t,” I said.

“They most certainly do,” she insisted.

“Well not this one,” I shot back.

“Look, all you have to do is to turn the little button on the
switch,” she insisted.

“I’d love to,” I answered, “except there is no little button to
turn because there are no intermittent wipers on this truck.”

Turning to a colleague, the woman asked someone named “Marie”
about the wipers. “Of course the truck has intermittent wipers,”
Marie said, reinforcing the unwavering opinion of the first woman.
“If it does, then somebody was having a bad day on the assembly
line and forgot to install them when the truck was built,” I said
in a voice with a slightly rising octave. It wasn’t until a more
informed service person – another woman with more knowledge about
vehicles than Marissa Tomei displayed in My Cousin Vinnie – came by
and informed them that, indeed, intermittent wipers did not come
standard and they couldn’t be installed as a retrofit because the
wiring harness was different. Finally, an answer that made sense. I
don’t like it but I guess I can live with it because I’ve found my
new four-wheel drive truck is a far better vehicle than the
two-wheel drive pickup it replaced. Now I can get to any of my
fishing and hunting locations regardless of the roads or weather
conditions, even if my butt is cold and I have look over my
shoulder to back up. Right now, I can’t wait for spring turkey
season to begin. I just hope it doesn’t rain.