Officers Foil Fowl Affair, and More

Who says nothing exciting ever happens in the nation’s
heartland? This week we bring you a pair of wild happenings from
Central Ohio, where law enforcement authorities exhibited some ace
detective and police work in two extremely challenging critter
cases.

Police Pluck Pilfered Park Poultry from
Perps

Over the weekend, police in Chillicothe, Ohio reportedly stopped
a suspicious vehicle after they took a gander through the vehicle’s
rear window and spotted a full-grown Canada goose standing in the
rear cargo area.

According to the Chillicothe Gazette, when the cops approached the
car, the driver explained that the goose was from one of the
suspect’s homes and they were just taking it for a ride, because
geese-just like Labrador retrievers-really enjoy going for car
rides.

One of the suspects gave the officers another explanation: they
found the goose and it was so dirty they decided-as conscientious
stewards of nature and the environment-to take it home to clean
it.

But the seasoned and wise law-enforcement veterans weren’t buying
it.

The driver finally confessed under pressure and admitted they found
the goose at the city’s Yoctangee Park, plied it with food, then
captured it by using a fishing net. Witnesses of the feathered
heist later corroborated the driver’s admission, saying they saw
the two passengers catch the goose.

Court dates were set for the trio and the goose was returned to the
park “without incident,” according to the police report.

The intentions of the three goose-grabbers-whether culinary or
merely jocular-were never made clear to the investigating
officers.

As to whose goose ends up being cooked, it will be up to the
Chillicothe municipal judge to decide.

Dayton CSI: Carp Didn’t Jaywalk

Responding early morning to the report of a big, dead carp at a
Dayton, Ohio-area intersection, a local policeman alertly deducted
that the enormous freshwater bottomfeeder was not the victim of a
hit and run accident.

Instead, Springboro Officer Dale Richter surmised that the whopper
probably fell out of the back end of an unlucky angler’s pickup
truck overnight.

Who needs CSI, anyway?

“That’s probably the biggest carp I’ve ever seen,” Richter told the
Dayton Daily News in reference to the behemoth bugle mouth
discovered at the intersection of Remick Boulevard and Settler’s
Walk Road.

“I would just assume someone was late night fishing last night and
it probably fell off the back of his truck,” the officer said.
“There’s going to be a very unhappy fisherman, somewhere.”

While the local cop didn’t actually measure the fish, he told the
newspaper that he “stepped it off,” using his 11-inch boot for
reference and concluded it was about 5 feet in length.

The roadside carp was officially identified by an Ohio Department
of Natural Resources fisheries manager as a White Amur, or grass
carp, a species commonly used to remove vegetation from private
lakes and ponds.

In writing up his official report of the incident, Richter noted
there was no compelling evidence that the big fellow was hit by a
vehicle while attempting to jaywalk.

“I don’t think it’s the missing link,” he joked.

Categories: J.R. Absher

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